Hello Santa, hello Rudolph
This is Elfvis, it was rude of
Me to not write any quicker
But a Christmas here means sinking lots of liquor

Since you sent me on secondment
I’ve found out what Mrs Claus meant
When she said don’t touch the slammers
Those six Jägermeisters hit me like a hammer

I climbed up and shook my booty
Hitched a ride home with a cutie
Tried to kiss her, but she socked me
Had to get a taxi back from out past Botany.

Now I’ve used up my allowance
So this dude taught me to breakdance
But even though my moves are stylin
The other busker’s doing better with his violin

Take me home
Oh Rudolph, Santa
Take me home
I swear it’s Fanta
From now on
Oh God I feel like living shite
I need a large flat white...

Take me home
I promise I will not steal toys
Or eat treats meant for girls and boys
I’ll even shovel reindeer poo
And hose the sleigh down too...

Wait a minute, here’s an invite
Fancy vodka party tonight
Two Berocca, gee that’s better –
Rudolph, Santa, kindly disregard this letter!